When Bobby died I had that feeling. The "how can I ever be happy again" feeling. Looking back, I don't know if I ever truly have been happy since he died. I've had happy moments. I've had wonderful moments that I will cherish. But that happiness that I had as a child, left when Bobby died. It's one of those things that even after 32 years, I still cry when I think about it.
I was 12 when Bobby died. In fact, today may be the anniversary of his death. The pain and loss I felt for him was more than I could ever tell anyone about. The nights that I spent sobbing all alone listening to Bread and Barry Manilow songs. I thought that I would get the grief out and then happiness would return. When it didn't, I thought it was because I was growing up. Grownups aren't happy all the time. They have moments of happiness, but aren't ever happy. Right?
On April 7th, we celebrated Mom's birthday. Of course, I forgot to send a card and couldn't afford to send flowers. She always understood. And when we called and sang to her, she sounded happy. I would have never imagined that in less than 3 weeks we would be saying goodbye forever. No more birthdays, no more phone calls, and no more Mom.
Tonight, I am struggling with a deeper "how can I ever be happy again" feeling. I long to talk to her, to hear her voice, and to have her here. I'm lonely, truly lonely, without her. It's a pain that won't go away and that will be a part of every happy event. I will always start wishing she was here to share special news, daily events, and accomplishments. I see her when I close my eyes, she is the first person I want to call to share news with. I have to remind myself constantly that she isn't here anymore. I don't know how to get back to happy anymore.
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