When does that feeling go away?

When Bobby died I had that feeling. The "how can I ever be happy again" feeling. Looking back, I don't know if I ever truly have been happy since he died. I've had happy moments. I've had wonderful moments that I will cherish. But that happiness that I had as a child, left when Bobby died. It's one of those things that even after 32 years, I still cry when I think about it.

I was 12 when Bobby died. In fact, today may be the anniversary of his death. The pain and loss I felt for him was more than I could ever tell anyone about. The nights that I spent sobbing all alone listening to Bread and Barry Manilow songs. I thought that I would get the grief out and then happiness would return. When it didn't, I thought it was because I was growing up. Grownups aren't happy all the time. They have moments of happiness, but aren't ever happy. Right?

On April 7th, we celebrated Mom's birthday. Of course, I forgot to send a card and couldn't afford to send flowers. She always understood. And when we called and sang to her, she sounded happy. I would have never imagined that in less than 3 weeks we would be saying goodbye forever. No more birthdays, no more phone calls, and no more Mom.

Tonight, I am struggling with a deeper "how can I ever be happy again" feeling. I long to talk to her, to hear her voice, and to have her here. I'm lonely, truly lonely, without her. It's a pain that won't go away and that will be a part of every happy event. I will always start wishing she was here to share special news, daily events, and accomplishments. I see her when I close my eyes, she is the first person I want to call to share news with. I have to remind myself constantly that she isn't here anymore. I don't know how to get back to happy anymore.

Will You Remember Me?

Today I received the news that a lady I used to work with was in hospice. She and I weren't particularly close, but we knew each other. We usually ended up working late on Fridays some times and would spend an additional hour just chatting about what it's like being 40 in a world of 20-somethings. She didn't have children, but was always very kind to mine when they came to visit. She talked often about her sister's children, but right now I don't remember if they were nieces or nephews, or both.

The news about the gravity of her illness was bothersome to me. After all, she is my age. Although we used to talk about what it's like being so old, we really aren't. It bothers me also, that I didn't try hard to stay in touch with her when she became ill. I did send a few emails and a card, but when I didn't hear anything back, I didn't try again. I was told by people closer to her that she wouldn't respond because she was focusing on her health. I thought that some day she would be better and that someday she would respond. That won't happen and I'm a little bothered that I didn't try harder to stay in touch.

I'm trying to remember things about her. I won't forget that she had Betty Boop in her office, or that she liked to have her office dark. She was on a rowing team and had a great smile. I have a picture of her walking down a street. It was a completely candid shot and I don't know why I kept it. I am glad that I did, because it's exactly how I will remember her.

A few weeks ago, one of my students asked if we will remember our friends and family when we are in Heaven. I didn't answer because I honestly don't know. Although I love the thought of seeing Grandma & Grandpa again, of knowing and holding my babies, and of seeing Bobby, I just don't know. In Revelations it says that in Heaven there is no pain, no mourning, and no tears. I just can't wrap my mind around how I would recognize people in Heaven and not realize who is missing. If the people that I love are missing from Heaven, I'm sure I would mourn because that means that they are in Hell. No matter what our society tells us, Hell is not a place I want to spend a day much less eternity.

I don't know if Carol was a Christian. I don't believe that intercessory prayer will take her to Heaven if she wasn't. I will remember her for the rest of my life. Beyond that, I cannot guarantee that I will remember any of you, or that you will remember me. For today, for right now, I am flooded with the memories of people I love who have died. I miss them and I wonder if they miss me. I wonder if they will remember me when I arrive in Heaven. I am comforted with the knowledge that there is one who will remember me. Jesus will know who I am. I know this because I know who He is. In Heaven, if there is a gathering of my loved ones when I arrive, it will be the most amazing surprise party.

I pray that Carol will be there. I pray that someone talked to her about eternal life with Jesus, and that she accepted His offer for forgiveness. I don't remember if we ever had a conversation about faith. Of all the things that I don't remember about her, this is the one thing that bothers me the most. Rest in peace, sweet lady, rest in peace.

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If you have not accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, where will you be spending eternity? As far as I know, there are only 2 options available to us. We can either be in Heaven with our Creator or in Hell with our enemy. You need to make your choice today. Call 1-800-NEED HIM or go to a local Christian church to hear the good news about the eternal life that is waiting for you.